Shop More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconninvampirate2011: More from Ninvampirate2011


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
December 12, 2012
File Size
3.4 KB
Mature Content
Yes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
400 (1 today)
Favourites
5 (who?)
Comments
5

License

Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
×
Mature Content Filter is On
(Contains: violence/gore and strong language)
When the girl opened her eyes, she saw stars. They were pieces of her childhood that refused to unstick from the ceiling. She turned her head to look at the clock.

10:36.  

"Shit," the girl mumbled. She was positive that she was at school twenty minutes ago. It usually didn't take her this long to slip back into consciousness. She attempted to sit up. The unnatural shift of skin on the nape of her neck stopped her. Instinctively, her hand investigated. It wasn't the injury that made her panic, but the ability to touch it. There was no wall of brown locks standing in her hand's way. She patted her neck, bearing the pain, to ensure that she wasn't going insane.  The girl whirled around to observe her pillow. Its white cover was stained by a tangled mass of brown mixed with a bit of red. She looked at her hand, which was dressed in inverted attire. The glint of scissors on her nightstand was the next to catch her attention.  It still had traces of the hair she used to call her own. They accompanied a sliver of peach skin on the blades.  The girl blinked. If she didn't know better, she'd think her other persona was trying to kill her.

The full-sized mirror nailed to the door helped the girl snap back into reality. Her school uniform wasn't safe either. The uneven collar, the drops of blood sprinkled on her beige skirt, the lopsided sweater that left a shoulder exposed…She looked like an accident victim. After fixing what she could she tried a second time to make it to class. On her way to the living room something that she prayed would disappear from existence stood in her path. It was transparent orange bottle of pills, little white reminders of her ailment. She pretended she never saw them. Next to the bottle was a bookshelf full of black magic. Aged relics stacked like dominoes frozen by time, the books contained the girl's family history buried in pages of spells. She never understood why her parents refused to return them to the library. They were nothing more than a laughable way to pass the time. Shaking her head, the girl went into the cramped bathroom by the front door. She washed the blood from her hand before searching for a first-aid kit under the sink. Once her wound was dressed and concealed by a scarf, her hair was the next to be dealt with. Luckily, it wasn't completely disastrous. If she brushed the longer bits over the uneven patches, maybe put on a ski hat, it could look somewhat like a pixie cut.  She went to work. Every now and then she glanced at the clock on a wall a short distance away.

10:47.

10:59.

11:06.

The girl missed second period. She exited the bathroom, ignoring the pills and books. Her messenger bag was sprawled on the wooden floor. She was grateful that the other persona didn't place it somewhere inconspicuous again. She scooped it up and lifted the strap over her head and onto her opposite shoulder. She sighed. The window by the door reflected her modified appearance. It wasn't cold enough to have so many layers but it would have to do.

"Oh my God, what happened to your hair?" was a variation of what many familiar faces said as soon as she arrived. Somewhat disheartened that her disappearances have become so common that they weren't her friends' primary concern, she simply said "I didn't like it so I cut it."
This is something I have to read in less than twenty-four hours for my Creative Writing final exam. >.>; Not gonna lie, that wasn't its original purpose. I was actually planning on making a story out of this (THEREFORE, if it seems incomplete or vague, that may be why) but now I'm not so sure. As you could probably tell, I didn't even give the character a name. Now...the reason why it's short is that it HAS to be. I only have 2-4 minutes to read. So...what do you think?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconryugamithechaosedge:
Well... I gotta say that this story doesn't appeal to me at all. The "other persona" isn't detailed at all and we have no idea who or what it is. It's not explained at all what happened the night before and it's shown that the girl didn't even mind it. If the story explained what lead her to do all these insane things, then It would have rated higher in my book, but as it stands now, I'm issuing it at 2 out of 10. It needs work and needs to be explained further. Once this story has been update and explains a lot more then it does, I'd love to see it. Until next time, this is Ryugami the Chaosedge, peace out.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconvampkitty91:
First of all I like this.

However, the idea has been used many times before (by myself even). But that doesn't mean it isn't good. I think it has potential. I think you should keep writing it, expand on the idea.

I like your style, the way you write helps me to see if from her point of view however, I had very little idea what was going on. Perhaps that was on purpose since you just wrote it? I think it could use more explanation of who the girl is and what this other person is, is it another personality? (that's what it seems, but who knows?).

Good work, keep it up!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconshigahoshii:
ShiGaHoshii Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Continue it and make it longer with more explanations about things. It would make a really good and interesting story.

`LOL (comment credited to #LOVE-Original-LIT)
Reply
:iconninvampirate2011:
Ninvampirate2011 Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012
Will do~
Reply
:iconikestrel:
iKestrel Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012  Hobbyist
Interesting. She has a split personality.... This could make an interesting story, if continued....
Reply
:iconninvampirate2011:
Ninvampirate2011 Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012
I...may continue it later, but for now I'm using it for exam week. ^^ Thank you, though!
Reply
:iconikestrel:
iKestrel Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012  Hobbyist
=D
Reply
Add a Comment: